She would tell me that I was in a hole. I would teach to others that people speak our fears back to us. They verbally speak what we feel inside. That is what she was doing. She was mirroring back my doubt. Sometimes when I was on the phone, I couldn’t see that. But once I got in another space I could. It showed me I had to shift my feelings on it.

I had created my financial situation over the past eleven years. I don’t blame myself for the choices I made. I was unconscious to what I was creating. But once I knew better, I could not keep creating it. The trick is that once you understand the game, you can’t play anymore.

If I did, I would get a harsh reminder by my universe to stop doing that. I had to figure out how the new game worked.

My universe would always make sure I had money for food. The other bills would wait. Sometimes the mortgage would wait. Now the first time this happened my human was breathing into a paper bag. When It happened the second time, I took it in stride. I would use this as a gauge of how much fear was left. If I was afraid of getting calls from bill collectors, I would have to work through that energy. Once none of it bothered me anymore, my financial situation would improve. I had to stop giving my power away to my financial situation. I was still in charge. Many people had gone through a situation where they could not pay their bills. I had to stop the judgment I had around it.

I had to stop the judgement around how the money came in too. My human wanted to have tons of clients beating down the door to pay me. It wanted my on-line store sales to be through the roof. I did not want to be cleaning my house, babysitting and getting money from my parents. But there I was. I had gone from making six figures to getting super excited to have twenty dollars in my wallet. I would be excited to put gas in the car. It was a different place to be. A humble space to be.

I said earlier that money never made anyone happy. I stick by that. In some ways, I was happier than I had ever been. I will admit that the money situation would frustrate me sometimes but I knew it was a phase that would improve. I would say to myself, “do you really think you are going to starve in your house?” I knew deep down the answer was no.

My biggest supporters during this time, were my parents. Yes, the girl who had moved out of the house at 18 was taking money from her parents. How many hits would my ego take? Over the course of 2019, they would give me $20,000. Which I used to pay my mortgage, utilities and food. I lived on $20,000 in 2019. There was no extra. But I was still standing.

When you are an adult, there is a lot of self judgement about taking money from your parents. I had to understand that at this point in my life, that was their role to play. But I also knew it was a karmic timeline.

It would only be aligned for a little while. Every time my mother would send money, she would mention me getting a “real” job. I knew my parents wanted me to go back to a corporate job and I knew I wasn’t. I knew the money would eventually not be aligned. But that also meant I was moving into a different phase.

My parents would see things through a different lens. They were aspects of me that didn’t understand the choices I was making. They didn’t see me doing anything tangible to improve my situation. I understand that it might look that way. I lived in a different world where the old rules didn’t apply. I had no interest in them anymore. My parents were embedded deeply in those worlds as were so many others in my life. I knew this could not last. I feared that day. I knew what it meant.

I lied many times to keep the money coming. I would tell my parents I would go back to a normal life. It brought up so much shame and guilt. I dreaded that phone call monthly asking them for assistance. I was clearing so much fear. It was rough.

I knew that my life would never be back to “normal.” I had a new normal. My first priority was my vibration and what I was creating in the world. My life did not revolve around playing out the old anymore. I knew they didn’t understand that. I would not try to explain it. They fulfilled their contract and supported me. I thank them so much for that. They were a huge gift from my universe. It might not have been how I wanted the money to come in, but it came in. That was all that mattered. All my emotions around it had to come up to leave.

I knew something else would come in as a financial support system. I was no longer in the business of figuring out what that would be. Nothing had gone the way I thought it would. Most of my friends thought I was in the middle of a horror story. I will admit sometimes it felt that way. But I knew I was being taught respect, integrity and honor from the soul’s perspective. It was a learning period. There was a part of me that wanted to see where things would end up.

***2026 Annette- 2019 was rough. First off, I had to sell my house at the end of that year. Aligned realities are not that hard. And my reality had gotten hard. I was trying to stay in the same place and have something new happen. So after 10 years there, I sold. Took the profits and had enough money to live without support for 6 months. After that six months, I had no idea what came next. I needed a miracle**** Turns out 2020 brought me one.

As I progressed in my journey the job began to change. By the middle of 2015, I could work from home one day a week. That at least aided me with the driving issue. It also showed me I was moving into another phase. By the middle of 2016, I would be told to stay home for months at a time. I still had little to do but at least I didn’t have to drive there to do it.

Yes, I still got my full salary. In fact, I got bonuses. This pay check kept my financial bus rolling. My ego hated all the alone time. I felt isolated from the world. But this job supported me as I went through my deepest clearings. It was as if I had a husband to support me while I lost my mind. I felt many times like I had lost my mind.

I wanted to be around people but I didn’t it. In those days, I had a hard time holding my energetic field while around other people. I thought about getting a new job but there was a part of me that didn’t want that either. By 2017, I worked from home 90% of the time. The workload decreased every year. The reality was slowly fading away. Every year I thought it would end. This job lingered on for years.

There were so MANY times where I wanted to get another job. My ego wanted to contribute again and make a difference. But there was a stronger part of me that said stay the course. This job was there for a reason. It allowed me to create my next realities, which would be my soul purposes. I established The Art of Intuition, in March of 2017. I wrote articles and workshops. I did videos. I was writing the next chapter of my life. All I had to do was be on call when my boss needed me. Which might be 5 hours a month and the rest of the time was mine.

Let’s talk about my boss. We might not have started off best buddies. Through the years our relationship had challenges but that was the roles we would play. The more discordant the job became the less and less I had to experience it. On some level, my boss knew that. She would support me over our last few years together. I would look at her through different lenses as time passed. By August of 2019, I would appreciate her for fulfilling her soul contract to me. She was to support me financially during that stage of my process. That was her role. When that stage of my journey was complete, the job would end.

It did end. There was a part of me that was so happy. I was moving on. After a while the job had felt like purgatory. I thought it would never be over. Then it was in a blink of an eye. August 2019, the company eliminated the position and I was free. My team took me to lunch and I hugged my boss. Although this phase of my life took many twists and turns, it ended in its highest place.

Now I mention the part of me that was happy. Did I mention the part of me that was scared? This job had paid 85% of the bills. This job had paid the mortgage. The company I had created was not bringing in any money. After longing to be free, I was scared out of mind. I started scanning websites for jobs. I would work through that fear through the next year. Each time the financial situation would get worse, it would bring up another layer of fear. But I would stay the course and not get another finance job. That part of my life was over. I had to accept that.

We never appreciate what we have. That was a lesson I would learn repeatedly. For the four years I had that job, I asked every night for it to end. I pictured myself riding off into the sunset with my business making millions of dollars every year. The fact was I still had so much programming left to clear. I still lived in lack programming. The depths of it I would not even see till a year later. I was still in my own way. Yes, my business would start to get some traction but not enough to pay the bills. I was heading for a complete financial reset.

I would look back at the job and remember it fondly. I sometimes wished I was back there and not having to worry about the mortgage payment. I wished I would have appreciated it more. That is the way of our human. We don’t know what we had till it is gone. I understood why it had to end. I had so many expectations on the next phase of my journey. Another lesson I would learn. The soul doesn’t expect anything, our human does.

The next phase for me was nothing but rough financially. That was my fault. I didn’t want to change my distorted views about money. I had to take the rough road on that one. I had to break completely. That was the path I choose. Sure, I had pasted up multiple opportunities to get my financial life on track over the years. I had wasted more money then I could count. There was no point on dwelling on that now. I had to find my way through my reset. I had to trust that much.

But this was rough. ***** 2026 Annette Here *****As I look back on the end of 2018 and the complete collapse that was about to occur in 2019, part of me is glad I was still so confused about what soul aligned realities would be. My human would not do well with what was about to occur. I said at the start this story could be a horror movie at times, well 2019 was about to kick that off.

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My universe did love me. I knew my universe was me. I had given myself these gifts to pave the road for the missions and purposes I had agreed to. Once I fully accepted that concept, I maneuvered the energies in an empowered manner. I would learn that leaving timelines open would mean they would have to be repeated. Closure became important to me. But not because my human needed it. I would close things out so I could open up to new experiences. It was important for me to end timelines that no longer served a purpose or had become disrespectful. The other parties involved might not have liked that I closed out the timelines but that was for them to reconcile. As long as I closed out everything in its highest place possible, I knew it was aligned.

People would ask me when to know when things should be closed out.

Timelines that were not aligned would eventually collapse on their own, so why close them out? There were so many answers to this question. It was more about ending things to complete the karmic timelines. It was saying no to the old energies and sending a message for the experiences I wanted to have. Prior to 2018, I would walk away from things that were out of alignment. I would not close them out because I didn’t have the personal power to have the hard conversation. There is a point in this journey where that is the right things to do.

If I didn’t have the personal power or connection inside to align a reality, it was better to walk away from it. Normally, I would get another chance later to align a similar situation. The energy would come back around again so I could gauge where my connection was. That was the point. Once I was able to align the realities or close them out, my life got easier. I would teach that deep down we always know the right action to take. Sometimes we know walking away is best because it would take to much energy to align it. Sometimes we are supposed to make that effort. There came a point when I knew which was the path to pursue.

In the years between 2015 and 2019, I would see many of my realities collapse. People would come and go. I would later see that we were doing a cosmic dance. People would show up and we would do an energetic check in. Then they would go away and return months or years later. We would check in again and the dance continued until the vibration was reached where we could have a reality together. It took me a while to realize that was what was going on.

I did so much clearing during those years. It should have made sense that I would have many people come in and out. I was raising in vibration so fast, that most people didn’t stay for long. I needed to find my power in those years. They were tremendous for me. Don’t get me wrong, when I was going through them it wasn’t a picnic. My ego was having fits. I was lonely. I felt like the world had gone on without me and perhaps I would disappear altogether. But in that timespan my universe brought me gifts. Now at the time, they didn’t feel like it. Now I can see how big they were.

For the essence of time, I won’t list out every gifts my universe gave me while I tried to find my footing. Technically everything was a gift but it can be hard to see in some moments. The ones that follow where the most impactful. They would be things I would look back on and my heart would overflow with gratitude for the gifts they were.

My Universe Sort of Brings Me a Job

This was one of my more beautiful creations. It would perplex the outside observer for years. No one could believe I was had a job like this. Honestly, I couldn’t either. I mentioned the day I meet my third twin; I got a job. The date was October 9, 2014 (give or take a day or two). I remember there was full moon energy.

It was a long drive from my house but I knew it was meant for me. It was for a small non-profit and the position was new. On some level, it felt exciting to create something new. At the time, I had no idea what that would mean for me.

From the start, my ego was challenged with it. There wasn’t much to do. I found myself creating work and trying to make an impact. It seemed like I wasn’t getting anywhere. My ego wanted to contribute to the organization, but it didn’t seem like they really wanted me there. It felt like a bad relationship. I was beyond bored and looking for a way out by the middle of 2015.

Did I mention the drive? It was hours every day in traffic. I would drive for hours and then sit for 8 hours and twiddle my thumbs. It seemed like a dead end. I look back and see how the drive had been important to me. It gave me time to process different areas of my life. I would ask for signs and look at license plates or songs on the radio for answers. It was not an easy time for me. Sometimes I would cry on the way home. That drive provided many hours of emotional venting.

Let’s recap the end of 2014. Got new job. Meet my third twin. Lost my third twin. And I was driving hours to get to a job and have nothing to do. To say I felt lost would be an understatement.

I would define my worth by how much I contributed to humanity. That was what mattered. I watch the people around me. All spun up in the blame, shame, guilt, fear and lack. Truth was even when I was clearing the fear over money, I didn’t get hung up on things. I might get triggered here and there but I would go deal with myself and move on. Once you expand your consciousness, the highs and lows don’t exist anymore. I would clear discordant energy from my body. That was it.

Money would become a game to me. How did it work?

Every time I would get low on money, I would give the little I had away in tip jars around my neighborhood. I had to change my transmission. If I believed that was really my last dollar than it would be. I had to send a message that I was abundant inside. Eventually, if I held that vibration long enough, money would be a response to that. I did this game repeatedly. Even when I had negatives in my bank account (which happened more times then I care to admit), I was abundant. I would not entertain any other reality. It was challenging, especially when you are 3 months late on your mortgage, phone and internet. It was a mess. I had to learn to live without (without all the stuff I had taken for granted,)

I knew I was on the precipice of a breakthrough. Every time I went through financial crunches, I would remind myself how lucky I was. I would give money away and hold that feeling of abundance. It was hard some days. Especially if I had been in the crunch for more than a week or more. But I had to focus on other things, keep creating and staying in a vibration of happiness. That is not to say I avoided it. I do what I felt guided to do and let the rest go.

Relief would come when I stopped trying to keeping all the balls up in the air. Many in the ascension world would call this a financial reset. Money was a vibrational response to what I produced. It was different in the higher realms. Nothing was guaranteed here. I was not entitled to anything. I had worked hard. I had given this journey every part of me and held nothing back. I had to believe that would be the key that would open the flood gates.

Every time I feared or avoided a financial obligation, it would manifest quickly. If I feared dealing with the mortgage company, I would go through another period of time where I had to deal with them. If I feared being late with a payment, I would be late. I realized after a while I was clearing fear. Each time I went through a situation I would clear more fear. My universe was sitting up these realities to breakdown my fiscal fears. Once I say that, I started to look at how much fear I had flushed.

I didn’t get hung up on things anymore. I would stop having sleepless nights. Well if honest I still had some. I had to look at the reason why it was happening and utilize the experience to clear the fear. If I avoided it, It would come back with a quickness. I soon stopped doing it. I used each experience and let go.

I would teach that the human will compromise everything for love and money. In 2019, I stopped compromising over money. I had learned after a few slaps in the face to stop doing that. Every time I did, my universe would teach me a lesson. And I had a few big ones that year. Eventually I had to stop trying to live and replace the amount of money I had made before. I finally had to admit that my universe was not going to send me that amount of money. I had to learn to live on little, appreciate what I had and share the small amount I had. This would last for years.

So if I would not compromise over money, would I still compromise over “human” love? There were times I found myself unsure of the answer.

The Gifts My Universe Gave Me………..

Anyone that goes on this journey will note three things. First, assistance will always be there. Second, it never comes in the way we thought it would. Thirdly, we don’t see the gift it was to later on. Sometimes when we are in the middle of it, disappoint is the energy. I know for me I had to reach a certain vibration before I would see why certain things had to occur the way they did. It was as if I gained access to more of my personal roadmap. Everything that had happen to me had served many purposes. It would be impossible to write about how many reasons why things had to happen the way they did.

By April of that year most things were exhausted and so was I. I had to do the unthinkable at the time. I had to call my parents for assistance. As adults when we have to take money from our parents or live with our parents it is a time for resolution. It is time for us to make peace with all of the childhood. At first, I was judging the money. I felt like a failure. Then I started to see the bigger picture, once I got past all the judgement.

Money would be there in nonlinear ways. I would put up 60 videos and then I would get a random check in the mail. I was supported but not in the ways I thought. In 2019, I didn’t have clients beating down my door. I had some and by fall of that year, I had money coming in but about ¼ (if that) of what I had built my reality on. I was sinking fast.

Now if I looked at this from my higher aspect, I would have seen that my parents were souls and we had a soul contract. They had the money to support me and that was our agreement. They had set up their reality so when the time came, they would be able to support. Now they did not see it that way. They felt I had lost my mind. They didn’t understand and part of me new they never would. They still lived their human lives.

I was judging where the money was coming from. I had to get over that. It didn’t matter where the money was coming from. The point was it kept me a float.

I changed by fiscal thinking out of desperation by April of 2019. I lived on cash. I cancelled all my credit cards and set up plans to pay them back. It was scary when the credit cards had to go. That was the point. They had been my security blanket that year. I knew if I wanted to crack the abundance code in all areas of my life they had to go. I didn’t miss them. It did push me to every fear I had.

***2026 Annette here - Now if might seem like I solved an issue here. I might have but I was still trying to hold on to something. A plan to pay my creditors back? How? I had no money? But I could not just walk away. My ego was not allowing/ready for that. I was to afraid to do that. So we will put a pin in this for now. But promising money I did not have….was a lesson I would learn over and over again***Back to 2019 Annette

Another item that had to go, auto pay. Auto pay would prove to be one of my biggest adversaries. It took me a while to understand that I couldn’t treat my finances like I had in the past. I didn’t have a set amount of money coming in every two weeks. I had many items overdraw my bank account till I finally cancelled them. I will admit that sometimes auto payments assisted me because the bank would let them go through. It was assistance sometimes, even if it didn’t come in the form I wanted it to.

My mind would play out all the terrible scenarios. I would be homeless. I would have no food in the house. I had made a terrible mistake and ruined everything I had worked so hard to build. Yes, some bills were paid late. Yes, even the mortgage. I got to a point where I didn’t even look at the date things were due. I would pay them when the money arrived. Sometimes they got paid early and sometimes they didn’t.

I had to stop judging myself. Judgement was a hard program to break. I would look at people with “normal” jobs and wish I could go back there. I wish it was easy to go back into the matrix. There is a point where you are so far down the other road that you can’t anymore. I knew the third dimensional realities existed but I couldn’t play in them anymore. I was past that now.

I appreciated things more. Sometimes I didn’t have everything my human wanted. I had to wait till the money came in and I that wasn’t easy for my ego. I wanted to go shopping but when your choice was shopping or toilet paper, necessities won out. I felt like I was in college again. The people that knew how my situation was thought I had lost my mind. I had lost my linear mind.

I cried a lot that year. And for the first time it was not over a relationship or job. Well my fourth twin would lead me to some break points but the fiscal stress was the underlying trigger. It took every amount of faith I had to keep going. What was I suppose to do? My credit score was shot. I had been out of the corporate world for in truth since 2014. I would constantly get letters from the mortgage company. It looked like a monetary disaster! I guess to a human it would be.

My human felt like it was. Especially on the days when bills were late and I was low on food. But the funny part I kept seeing the other realities. I have said there was not just one and that is true. I knew I had to paint the house and redo the hardwood. I woke up one day and knew that. I started anchoring in that reality. I would talk to contractors and pick out paint. That is how I lived. I knew things had to be done and I did them. I knew that when the time was right, the money would be there for the house makeover.

I couldn’t pay the mortgage but I was planning on redoing the house! That is where I might loss some people. But a vibrational existence is nothing like the old. I knew that the house needed to be upgraded to support the next phase of my journey. It had to support my new vibration. That is how I knew the mortgage would work itself out. It wasn’t time for me to leave. I had other things to do here.

But did I? Or was my human afraid to sell my house? I could not support my vibration there. That is why I felt to upgrade my space. But I had barely enough to eat. So there was a disconnect. It would take me a while to connect the dots.

I did a similar thing in the fall of the prior year. I felt guided to do a mini makeover on the house. I would get new furniture, pillows and rugs. I would give away furniture that felt vibrationally off. I had to upgrade the house for my next phase. At the time, I paid for it with my savings. That would seem odd to some. Spending money on a makeover when you should save the money to pay the mortgage. I knew I had to do it. If I didn’t do it, I would be holding myself back. The difference here. I had the money then.

I didn’t now.

This is a tricky one. Stay tuned.

That was why I didn’t get excited about things anymore. I had known it was coming for so long that by the time it got here, I was expecting it. I would say to myself, “Finally.” For I knew how hard I had worked for that. Whatever it was. I knew.

I had an understanding of what to do. I thought. But 2019 Would Break My Ego.

Understanding the energy of money would be one of my toughest task. By 2019, I understood that money was just energy. It was a vibrational response to what I was putting out. I had also learned that in higher dimensional realities you had to create enough momentum to bring it forth. In addition, I had to stop playing in all the lack games with money. Some of the games I didn’t even know I was playing. It seemed like I never had enough to live the life I wanted.

Each corporate job I had would give me enough to sustain a certain standard of living but I never gained any ground. My salaries in the corporate world were close to $110,000. It seemed I could never get past that number. No matter how hard I tried none of those jobs worked out. I understand know that they were not supposed to.

I was in a loop. There were some jobs I enjoyed but for the most part I was bored. Each new job brought me some new people but the end was always the same. I felt like I was always getting nowhere. I would watch other people take their careers to the next level and feel a sense of failure. It took a while for me to comprehend the fact, that these jobs were not supposed to work out. They would support me while I got my other soul aligned realities going.

Problem was I didn’t realize how long that would take. I don’t know why I was surprised. It took me 43 years to build my human realities. Why did I expect my soul aligned ones to be instant? I would take years to build the foundations of these realities. I would start to see slivers of how it worked. The foundation was simple. I was to be in service to the collective. That was what I got up every day and did. Some days I would do better than others. It was hard for my human not to worry about the money. But I did my best to shift the program to focusing on all the things I had.

In 2019, I had to completely jump into my work and not look back. I thought about going back to the corporate world. But part of me knew when my last corporate job ended in August of 2018, I was done. I couldn’t go back if I wanted to. It was like trying to board a sinking ship. There was nothing to go back to. I knew what those realities were. They ended in the same place. Yes, they were safer. Yes, they gave me a steady paycheck but I never got anywhere.

I wanted more. I wanted to live the impossible dream. I wanted to take my work to humanity. That was the end game. How would I get there? I didn’t know. I asked my universe to show me how and I followed that advice. It was slow coming though. I would flirt with realities. Mine were anchoring in a little at a time. It would cause a different type of clearing.

I thought my twins had showed me how much fear and lack I carried. Money would bring up greed and fear I never knew existed. I would make the same mistake over and over again. I call it a mistake but at the time I wasn’t at the consciousness to see it. Technically, I didn’t know any better. Once I knew better that was when the choice was mine. I could continue down the same paths or opt out. In 2019, whether by force or fate, I opted out.

I had no money coming in when 2019 started. My savings was gone. My retirement savings had been depleted over the years from poor fiscal choices. I was scared and had no idea what was going to come next. My universe would send me test. Anytime, I was really in the fear of no money, a corporate job would come along. I would use one guideline, “if money was not an issue, would I take this job?” In other words, would I compromise over the money? I couldn’t anymore. My body would physically feel ill when I was doing the phone interviews.

Funny thing was I would still think about it. My feelings should have been enough for me to say no. That is a guideline for me know. My feelings are enough. If I don’t feel good about something, it’s a no. I don’t need a secondary clarifier anymore.

I started living off my credit card. That was the beginning of the end.

It became my marker for a new chapter. I would look at the offer and have to decide. Did I truly believe that my universe would take care of me or not? Did I really believe I had cleared all this programming and gone through this entire process to end up homeless on the street? I will be honest, sometimes I did not know. There were days when I was in such peace and bliss inside and there were days when I felt so human.

The human days I would identify as clearing moments. I had to bitch and fuss and get the energy out of my system. I could not let in remain there. If I was angry, I would go in a room and vent it out. If I wanted to cry, I would go in a room and do that too. I know my progress had been immense but it didn’t feel that way to my human. It would not see all the work I had done on myself. It was like having two parts of myself battling it out. Would I go back to the old or would I keep going down the road to “enlightenment?”

Funny how the road to enlightenment seemed to be so tricky to our human. Mostly because our human doesn’t want to take a backseat and let someone else drive the bus. There is nothing enlightened about our human aspect. I would always say it was a small child wanting its way. The issue was it did not know what was best. It was child. I learned to treat it as such but somedays that child would tantrum. Those were the days I stayed away from people.

Every time I thought I was at DEFCON ONE a job offer would come in. Would I get scared and go back or would I keep going? I would say to my universe “if it is not aligned with my most amazing realities remove it.” I didn’t want that stuff anymore. I didn’t want to waste time playing out more karmic timelines that would lead to the same dead end. There had to be something better for me.

I started to use one simple rule. Did the opportunity excite me? It was that simple after a while. Would I do it for free? If I could not answer yes to both of those questions, then I would say no. It sounds to simple right? It is simple. When I would live from my highest aspects my life would be very simple. When I would get caught up in my head, then I would play out the worst scenarios.

Money was not anything to strive for. It made things easier. In the history of the world, it has never made anyone happy. It’s not designed to make anyone happy. It is a response to the energy transmitted. I had to prove that I would use the money wisely before I would get it. The rules are different once we expand our awareness. If we choose to not play in the matrix, the matrix can’t support us. My human couldn’t be trusted. That was certain. I had to have transcended a massive amount of human programing before money would flow in.

My universe would test my resolve many times regarding money. A few times I compromised and took the money because I was scared that I would not get any more. Every time I compromised; I would create a karmic timeline. Then I would have to work through that energy. It always taught me something about myself.

Now it is worth mentioning that sometimes a test was not a test after all. It was a gift my universe would send me. When I was in my toughest moments, I had to decipher the difference. It’s not that it is tricky. It just changes through different phases. For example, by January of 2019 I had turned down two full time finance job because I knew they were not aligned with realities I wanted to experience. I could not spend my time playing in those old energies and simultaneously still establish new realities. Those days were done.

Money shifted for me at a certain point. It wasn’t what the money would do for me. It was what I could do with the money. Money was for everybody. It was not my money. It was just money. It didn’t matter but it was necessary to fund the next phase of my journey.

I wonder if I would be doing more sessions in the Fall/Winter. How many hours could I commit to knowing that I would not be around to service them in person. Once we can see our next timeline, we see all the things we have to do to close out the old one. It was time to get the house ready to sell and decide what furniture I would be taking.

That was one test I had passed. I no longer procrastinated. If I knew a timeline was wrapping up, I would start doing the footwork. If I knew I had to upgrade the house, I would pick out paint and flooring months before the money would arrive. That was why my realities were not a whirlwind anymore. I had seen them coming months or years in advance. I had to get everything in place to anchor them in this reality. It was as if I was telling my universe, “I am ready, bring it on!”

To the outside observer we were casual friends but our connection was so much more than that. I understood that my relationship with him would take many more twist and turns in the years to come. This timeline with him was coming to an end, like so many of our others. I knew we would have another one. But I stopped my fixation on how it had to be. I would no longer “want” it to be a certain way. He would be in my life if he was meant to be. I had to concede to my universe and what was highest aligned for both of us.

As I write this, our story is not over. we are still friends. He will still pop out of my life for weeks or months at a time. Then he pops back in.

I started to realize that we could not have the realities in my dreams until we were both ready. In the past, we had so much of our own stuff in the way. There was a part of me that had to believe that we were on some type of cosmic schedule. We had to both be at a certain space internally. If we weren’t, we would keep playing out the karmic timelines. I didn’t want that anymore. Over the years, we had played out enough karmic timelines.

It got to a point where I didn’t even want to talk about the past encounters with him. I learned that would recreate them. I wanted a connection that was open and honest. But I had to be able to do that first. I had to be the forerunner in the connection. That didn’t mean that I would pursue him. It meant that when the opportunity presented itself, I would be the one to open up about how I felt. It was the one thing that we had not done. We had not been honest with each other. We were playing in a game of feeling the other person out. I was done playing that game. I knew I had to step up the next time an opportunity presented itself. I had to end the loop cycles we were playing out. It was time for our roles to change. I had to expect more from him and the only way to get that was give more of myself.

The one thing I was sure of was my timeline in Virginia was ending. His was too. I knew there were timelines that we could play out together in other parts of the country. But I wasn’t sure the timeframe on them. At this point, I had given up trying to figure it out. My human wanted to know what came next for us. Who wouldn’t? But I had to work through that programming every day. I had to get to a point where it didn’t matter if he was in my life or not. I wanted to say I was there but he still took my breath away when he entered the room. He wasn’t like the others. I would learn to be kind with myself regarding him. I didn’t beat myself up when I dove back into the twin matrix and obsessed on what he was going to do next. I would catch it and say “no.” I would refocus on something else.

My issue in those days was there didn’t seem to be much else. It was not as if I was doing nothing. I was out in my community. I was putting in the work. But I would later understand that if I had been too busy with other things, I would not have been able to work through all of this programming. The more programming, I worked through the more stuff came in. I was not busy but I had more going on then I had before. I had clients. It was not many but I had them. I knew that this was a time to bulldoze human programming. It was not the time to bury myself in other things. I had to focus on my vibration and understand the reasons things were playing out. I had to be at a place inside to do that. I had to be at peace and joy inside. When I was there, everything seemed perfect.

It didn’t matter how many clients I had. It didn’t matter how much money I had. Nothing mattered when I was in that place. Until you are there, it is hard to explain it. It is hard to compare it to anything else. There are no emotions there. There is no logic there. It is nothing there. That is where I had to get with him. I had to be able to remain peaceful inside and not spin out when we interacted. That was critical to our next phase. I had to master the twin matrix. I had to clear it.

I would ask my universe every night to clear my twin karma. It was so frustrating to let someone get to me the way he did. Over ninety percent of our relationship had been stops and starts, ins and outs. It was not that enjoyable. I had to remind myself of that. The twin matrix is like swimming upstream with sharks. There is a part of me that knew once I got to the other side it would be the most exhilarated feeling. I could not judge myself that I still wanted to see him. It was the matrix. If I could accept the fact that I was clearing it consciously, then I would not beat myself up when I noised around for news about him. I would say, “opps, there I go again. No more. Different program.”

Open and honest communication with him was the next step. I knew my universe would at some point give me that opportunity. I had to be at a place to do it first. I had to activate those codes within myself. If I could not be honest with the neighbor, I had no shot with him and I knew it. I was doing all I could to embody that aspect of me. I would be as transparent as possible even with him. Then the chips would fall where they may. He would be there for the next timeline or someone else who was ready would step in. That was for certain. My universe would not let my higher timelines rest on one person. No way that was the design. Someone else would step forward to partner with in the next phase. Only time would tell who that would be.

Update 2026: Now normally, I don’t give my 2026 perspective. I publish these as I wrote them many years ago. Since this was my last twin, I felt a conclusion was necessary. One night in early 2020, I asked my universe to remove him from my world. It had to be done. I had to be done. The next morning, he had a job in Florida and that was that. I said goodbye and wished him good luck. He was gone for a few months. Covid started and he returned for a while. The last time I saw him was May 2020.

A few dead end texts and it was done. I moved in 2022. No more twins. Six years later I can still say, no more twins. I had done it. As I reread these entries years later, some of these moments seemed dramatic and exciting. They weren’t. If I see him on TV or hear his voice on the radio, I do smile. And I probably always will. Another contract marked complete.

In all fairness, his human did not know this. We would have conversation about energy and dreams but he never seemed that interested. He would listen but to my knowledge he never implemented any of the concepts. It was his choice and I constantly had to remind myself of that. I was merely there to open the door. It would be his decision on when he would walk through it. And that was how the game was played.

I would go months without seeing him but our friendship never seemed phased by the absence. I viewed it as a clearing time for me. I would never see him when I was in a deep clearing phase. That was something I had to do on my own. He would surface prior to or right after those phases. I would later see that his energy field would activate them within me. Each time I would see him more of my own “stuff” had to clear for our realities to line up.

I would never say that he was disrespectful in the human sense of the word. Most people would say what a nice person he was. He was kind but he was wishy washy. I felt like he would never say what he wanted to say. Although he seemed to be interested in my work, he didn’t take it seriously. Sometimes I felt like it was merely entertaining to him. I would do everything I could to lay a foundation for him. But in the end, that was all I could do. I could not interfere.

I knew he would be ready when he was ready. He would honor our agreement when it was time. I had to love myself enough to stop wanting it so bad for him. In truth, I wanted it for me. I wanted to experience our amazing realities together. The ones I had seen in my dreams. They just weren’t taking shape. At least, not as quickly as I wanted them to. By Fall of 2019, he was in a different place for me or at least I wanted to tell myself that.

Yes, my heart would still skip a beat when I saw him. Yes, a part of me wanted to be more than friends. But it had not been aligned. That was the only way my human could deal with our relationship. It wasn’t aligned and that was the reason it was not progressing. I wanted it to be but it wasn’t. I had learned many times over that if something was not aligned to leave it alone. Don’t try to force it. It would never work out. The only option I had was to work on myself. I had to focus on my vibration. His reality and vibration were not my responsibility. He wasn’t asking me for assistant. He didn’t want it.

That was a hurtle for me time and time again. I knew people made time for the connections they wanted to nurture. He never made an attempt to do that with me. Not a serious one. He was not in that place. He was not ready for me. It didn’t matter if he was working 24 hours a day or on vacation. I had a feeling that he never chose me.

There was always something else he would focus on. Part of me knew it was because he didn’t really know what to do with me. Neither one of us would put ourselves out there and really say how we felt about each other. We would mirror each other. He would back off. I would back off. He would shut down. I would shut down. I knew that the connection was there for him but it was not on his mind like it was on mine.

I said before that twins bring up all of our obsession energy so we can clear it. I had many sleepless nights over him. But those time were starting to end. Sure, I would find myself wrapping back up into things for a few hours or a few days but I would be able to see it. He had been a huge contributor to that. He dug up so much lack energy. He triggered self-loathing and doubt that I didn’t even know was there. In a way, he had done his job or at least part of his job. The programming he helped me clear was immense. The expansion I achieved that year was off the charts.

I would be lying if I said there was satisfaction in that. At the time, I wanted it to workout in that “human” way. For 3 years, I new he was coming. Then he was there and we could not get out of the starting gate.

My fourth twin arrived 17 months later. He was 6 years older than me. He was married. Yes, this one was different. He would last for years, weaving in and out of my life. At this point, I knew he was twin. The twin energy was flowing through him and I was consciousness enough to see it. I would like to say that helped. Maybe on some level it did but it was still a roller coaster of emotion. Twins make us hope and wish for a certain outcome. Many people would say that is the kiss of death. I tend to agree with them.

Hoping and wishing is disempowering energy. It takes us out of the present moment. We start looking for another moment where things could be different. Where there are no obstacles in the way. We don’t understand at the time the obstacles are there for a reason. They are assisting us from making the same mistakes again. Obstacles are there when things are not aligned. A lesson I would learn through many years with my last twin.

How did I know this would be my last twin? Because I was done. No more compromising for twins. I would utilize this experience to clear program. I was determined. Sure, the first few years of this relationship I got caught up in the hoping and wishing. But by 2019, I had cleared enough within myself to find clarity. It didn’t mean I had no feelings left for him. I did. I still was open to exploring a relationship with him. I would constantly look at the timelines, looking for one that was aligned. Problem was for the first few years, none of them were.

When I say he was different, that is an understatement. He was handsome, sorta famous and rich. Everyone wanted to be around him. We meet Memorial Day weekend in 2016. We had a good time together. It was only for a few hours but it was impactful. At the time, I didn’t know he was married. I found out a few days later. That is when our cosmic dance began.

I would see him roughly every six months from a far. We would have no contact. Every time I would see him my heart would skip a beat. It became a game after a while, when would he pop up? I started to decode my reality, looking for the markers that meant he would make another appearance. My friends would know him only as “My Crush.” I would find out later that his friends would only know me as “The Fortune Teller.”

If I said we lived in two different worlds, that would be an understatement. He was rich and did all the things that money gave him. I wasn’t. He brought up more self-worth issues than ever before. Why would someone like him want me? It seemed silly. A Cinderella Story that was meant for the big screen. Yes, I saw this stuff happen all the time. But there was still a part of me that didn’t believe my ship could ever come in.

Even though in this reality we had little to no interaction, my dream world was full of him. I had over 150 dreams of him by 2018. I saw so many realities where we worked together. In some realities we were a couple. Maybe in some I was a mistress. This was the first time I opened up to the concept of other dimensional realities. I started to understand that there was not just one. I saw our relationship years before we actually became friends. In the early years, I understood our potential through dreams. That was I all I had.

After a while, I started to doubt that anything would ever get off the ground. Then I shifted. May 2018 he meet again. In almost the exact same spot as before. We once again enjoyed each other’s company. If he remembered our first meeting 2 years prior, he never mentioned it. I didn’t either. It seemed pointless. I learned that bringing up old timelines would recreate them. That timeline was gone. It was now time for a new one.

I still could not say whether that meeting ended the old timeline or teed up the next one. My guess is both. It would be another six months before I would see him again. This time because my universe pushed me to go to a bar he frequented. It was time for me to insert myself into his life. On a soul level, I had made that agreement. I was to show him a different way, “wake him up.” My human didn’t want to go. This place felt out of my league. I didn’t think I would belong there. But It didn’t matter. It was time to get over myself and put on my big girl pants. I was at a point where I understood my soul agreements. I had to honor them.

And honor it I did. In the fall of 2018, I made my debut at his hang out. I knew all I had to do was be there. That was it. Our energy fields needed to be around each other. We both needed that. It was time for that. A conversation wasn’t necessary. Normally, we were both so nervous when we talked to each other it was a waste of energy. I would describe us as babbling teenagers. At some points, I figured teenagers could do a better job at a conversation then we did.

I had to put myself there and he would do the rest. He honored his soul agreement too. He would always find me. We would talk briefly. He had family obligations and I was not in those realities. But over the next year, we would become friends. He was illusive with his energy. I always expected the unexpected from him. He would never do what I thought he would do. He would never do what I wanted him to do.

We had a strong attraction to each other but we were friends. That was what it was. And I look back now and know that was for the best. It forced us to build a foundation. He liked being around me and I liked being around him. It was hard for my human to see him with his family and friends. It’s not that I didn’t want him to be happy. I did. But sometimes it made me feel lonely. I felt separate from them. That year I felt separate from everyone. It was as if I was in another dimension. In a way, I was. He was not in it. At that point in his life, he did not want to be in it.

He was stressed. I look back and so many red flags were there. He only kept in touch with his family. All of his other relationships, he had severed ties. That was the nature of the work. A small circle of people was easier for him to deal with. I knew he loved me but I don’t to this day know if I loved him. I loved the idea of him. He was Indian Jones and Jack Ryan all rolled up into one. I knew he would jump in front of a bullet for me. After two days together, I knew that. He knew that too.

We had a month together before he had to go on a work trip. It was for three weeks and I would have no contact with him. I dreaded the day he would leave. I had a bad feeling about the trip.

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We said we would stay in touch. Part of me knew that he would forget once the college reality started for him. He did forget. We tried to schedule phone calls but he would cancel them. Eventually, I stopped trying and he didn’t step up to the plate. In the end, I was disheartened. There was a part of me that thought we would be friends and occasional lovers.

He faded away. I would hear from mutual friends that he was in town to visit but I never got a phone call. He had moved on and that is what I wanted for him. We had parted in a beautiful space. I was disappointed and I didn’t even know why.

Another byproduct of my twins, they pushed me deeper inside. I would spend more time meditating and trying to connect with myself. I was motivated because I wanted them back. I could connect with them energetically. I would also start to find my dream space was expanded. Though in those moments I didn’t fully understand the dream world. I would start with one understanding and switch my feeling on it many times over. One thing for sure, these twins had done a number on me. They had shown me things within myself that shocked me. I didn’t really want to deal with it. It felt like too much. Eventually, I would find peace again. It wasn’t peace that I would know later but I wasn’t crying in the grocery store. I would feel the energies change and I would look toward a new horizon. The issue was I was still not in a consciousness to understand I kept creating the same realities.

October 2014 – My Third Twin Arrives

The year 2014 was big in my journey. It was not because it gave me love or money. In fact, I lost my job in August of that year and for the first time started thinking about a change. I had wanted to start my own Reiki practice. I would rent a space and start looking at the numbers to see how feasible it was. Part of me wanted to leave the corporate world behind. But part of me knew it was not the right time. I settled on a job in Alexandria with a part time Reiki practice. The day I got the job, which eased my panic over money, I meet my third twin.

I remember that night was the peak of a full moon. I was celebrating my new job and there he was. He was buying a drinks for another woman and asked me if he was being cheap on the tip. I told him he was and that was that. We knew on some level we had business together. Here I go again.

Yes, he was also tall, dark and handsome. He was six years my junior. I can’t say it was love at first site. At least not for me. Honestly, my first twin was still on my mind. In those moments, I believed it was due to the abrupt ending. I would soon learn that there were no good endings. The fact that it ended was the unsettling part. No matter how the ending occurred it was still disappointing.

I started to see a pattern emerge. My first twin the relationship had no emotional connection. The second twin had a deep emotional connection. But it was not about them. It was me. I was deeper inside. I had more depth, so these encounters did to. The third twin….oh boy. I thought it had everything. I thought he was everything.

From the start, this twin showed me what a man would do when he wanted to be with someone. He wanted to spend all his spare time with me. I admit it was a nice change a pace but there was still a part of me that was not sure. He had a high stress job that consumed him. Although, this relationship did not have the same physical obstacles that the others had, on some level I knew time was short. I think on an unconscious level, he did too. So we dove in, head first.

The Reiki teacher worked on me and so began my interest in energy work. It opened my eyes to something more. I felt at peace and connected when I was being treated. This teacher and I would become friends. She would be my mentor for years to come. She opened me up. All of a sudden, I could hear energy. Whether it was psychic abilities or mediumship, I could tap into it. Sure, I was in the very beginning phases of my exploration but it was there. All of a suddenly my world was bigger. Now, I was still a mess. But I was a more connected mess.

In 2013, I would complete Reiki 1 and Reiki 2. I would learn later that Reiki was a “key code” for when it was time for people to wake up. It was that for me. I started volunteering at the hospital. It was a great place to practice Reiki and feel connected. Even though at that point, I could not hold the connection outside of that space. I wasn’t connected enough inside.

Did I miss my twin? Yes. I still wanted to understand why the abrupt departure. The twin connection only made me want to know more. It was a rabbit hole in itself. It was turning into a never-ending story. I wanted to hear from him. I would obsess over that. I might have even tried a love spell. What can I say? Twins make us do the wacky. I would watch the show “YOU”® many years later and not be shocked at the extremism. Someone once said “love” is the most dangerous emotion in the world. I would correct that and say “human love” is. It comes with attachments and agendas. It’s not pure. It’s not soul love.

Almost a year to the date I meet the first twin, the second one arrived. December was becoming my month for twin encounters. I was starting to be grateful that Christmas only came once a year. It seemed like anytime Saint Nick was knocking at my door so was another twin. It seems it was a Christmas present I sent to myself. I would like to say that I was over the last one. I had moved on like any strong empowered women would have done. It had been 9 months since the Irish goodbye. We had only dated long distance for three months. But I hadn’t. I was still caught up in the entire relationship. My mind had gone over my missteps hundreds of times. Had I been to clingy? Did I not try hard enough? That relationship had dug up so many feelings of low self-worth and not being chosen. That would become a theme for me. Never being chosen. Never feeling good enough. It was a massive ego program that was being unearthed.

I never looked at myself as a prize. It was as if I shined the mirror on everyone but myself. It didn’t even matter who they were. This was a program that I would really examine over the next few years. Why was it so hard to find someone who would choose me? I was setting up the perfect reality for twin number two. The setting was the same. Christmas time at the same place I had meet my last twin. This one was tall, dark and handsome. What can I say? I had a type. There was a difference in this one. He was 20 years younger. My first twin had been younger also, eleven-year difference. I never thought I would find myself with a 21-year-old but there I was. It showed me that it was about the energy of the connection not logic. There was no logic in any of these twin contracts.

This relationship was similar to the last. They were many obstacles and age was just an obvious one. He was going to be leaving for college in January so our time would be short. Where my first twin had been more of a physical connection, this one was different. It was an emotional connection. He would come over and we would talk all night. In his youth, he had never experienced a connection like that. I feel that was my purpose for him. He had to experience that emotional connection.

We would connect on a deeper level. It showed me where the first connection had been lacking. There was a sweetness to this one. We would just spend time together. But even though the form was different there was an energy that was similar. We weren’t a couple. Our relationship was private. The age difference was my issue. We weren’t exclusive and it turned out I was not the only one on his dance card. I didn’t expect to be. Perhaps it was a part of me that wanted to be.

Our time together was long and short all at the same time. We had a month together and he would leave. I wanted to be the adult, sending him off with joy. He was starting an entirely new adventure. In a way, I was jealous. I wanted new thing to come in for me also. There was sadness for both of us when he left. He was very special to me but this was not built to last. This had an expiration date the moment it landed in my universal shopping cart. He would leave and I would mourn. The pattern would repeat.

Yes, he was tall, dark and handsome. All my twins were. We normally make them look similar so they are easy for us to spot. I digress. Where was I? Yes, a cold winter night a few days before Christmas. Funny as I write this, Christmas would become a big marker for me. It would be both a time of starts and stops. Maybe because of the stillness of that time of year. It has a certain magic to it. Then ending of one year and the promise of the next.

I was arriving and he was leaving.

That should have been a clue on how it would end. He stopped long enough to get my information. That was all we needed. The first date was bliss. I would like to say it was as if we had this special connection. It wasn’t really that for me. He was someone I liked a lot. Of course, he didn’t live in town. The Twin Cities was his home. As I write that, I chuckle, how ironic. Let’s add another layer of difficulty to the entire equation. He was dating another woman. He said they were not exclusive, so I jumped in.

I would travel to visit. Even though it was far from my “dream”, it was nice to connect. Even though I was doing a lot of the work for that connection. I was putting in all the energy and money. Let’s be clear that twins show us where we will compromise. They show things we couldn’t see before. That is what they do for us. At the time, I didn’t see that. I so badly wanted a commitment that I failed to see he had little interest. Sure, he had other options. But I was determined that in the end it would work out. It didn’t.

I was ghosted after 3 months and by all accounts devastated. I read so many books on heart break/heart opening. There was not one self-help book I didn’t read. I was clearing so my sadness and grief it was unbelievable. I don’t even remember much about the months that followed that break up. It was one of the hardest moments in my life. I don’t even know why. Our connection was nothing fantastic. Neither of us were capable of loving each other at any meaningful level. But in that moment, it felt like a massive loss.

Then came the important part, though my human would not see it that way. The aftermath is where the story really begins.

Each time a new one would come around the signature was a bit different. They would take me to a deeper level inside. The former twin would no longer have an effect on me. I had cleared that energy from my body and there was little interest for an interaction anymore. That was how it worked for me. Twins were so pivotal in my journey.

They brought out so many issues of self-worth and lack. It got to a point where I would understand with gratitude the roll they were playing out. It took a long time for me to see that. Twins might not be a Cinderella story but they are a big plot line when clearing human programming from our bodies. Their contribution to my awakening/ascension can never be measured. If any of them read this, I want them to know that.

They took me to places that I could not reach on my own. Their end game was to bring me to a union inside myself. What an ironic plot twist. They were never meant to complete me. They were there to help me complete myself. If they stayed around, that would be a bonus. None of mine did. They would weave in and out of my life over a span of 6 years. I had many prior to the ones in this book. They might not have been the first soldiers on the ground but they were the most impactful.

One of the questions I often get asked about, is if twins know they are twins? My answer was it depends. I did not know my first three were. My last one I knew because I had reached an awareness where I could see it. I do believe they feel a pull to us. They might not know why but they know we feel like home to them. On a soul level, they know their timeline. They know how long they are supposed to stay and when their work is done. As I would say later, they know (on some level) we have business together.

I stopped wondering if they knew consciously. The only thing that mattered was that I knew. Which meant I had a choice. I could get dragged through the experience or I could utilize it for the purpose it served. Each one was there to clear my human programing. My hatred for myself. All of the emotions that got in the way of me embodying the highest aspect of myself.

I would like to say I went through all my twins with this expanded awareness. I can’t say that. My first three were everything the twin experience had to offer. Exhilaration and heartache all in one package. I got dragged through those experiences. If I was completely honest, even when the fourth one showed up and I knew what his purpose was, it was still challenging.

I had to remind myself constantly what his purpose was. I knew he would be my last twin. This was my swan song. Even knowing that it wasn’t easy to step out of the fairy tale. I would loop back in it for months or weeks at a time. Then I would dust myself off and find clarity again. That is the matrix of the twins. Even the most conscious person can get lost in it. That is the point of the karmic program. Each one had a pattern and theme. They were all similar but different. Never the less, they were mine. And this is where our twin

story begins……

I was not embracing the true beauty of the journey. I didn’t appreciate things. It is hard to appreciate something when it is there.

That is the nature of our human aspect. The innate working of our lack and scarcity programming. Until we don’t have something, we don’t appreciate it. For some reason, to our human, everything looks better in hindsight. It is amazing how attractive a situation looks when it is leaving your life. That was true for me. I would be working through this program for many years.

I will admit I never thought much about twin flames. I can’t say I knew what the word was till 2016. Then I became obsessed with the energy. The energy of twins is a matrix within itself. They are so romanticized in book and movies. What is the story? There is a runner and a chaser. They are the same soul in two different bodies. There is only one in your life.

Once I was introduced to the concept, I will admit I believed these ideas. Then the more experiences I had with the energy, the more unromantic it became. The truth was twins weren’t fun. They would take you to the deepest parts of you. They would get to you when no one else would. They would dig up obsession energy beyond anything you could ever experience. They were not for the faint of heart. But they would assist me in seeing things about myself I never knew existed.

They are profound. I no longer believe we have just one. It is an energy. They matched an energetic signature that I held. In my experience the energy would come through many forms. It was not attached to one person. It was a feeling they would activate in me.

As those timelines played out, I felt like the odd man out. My other friends had husbands and careers while I stayed in this place of hero worship for them. If only I could get it together like that. If only I could have a partner like that. I spent so much energy wanted to be like others that I couldn’t even remember who I was. I was so deep in the matrix it was comical. Clueless as to why I kept creating the same things over and over again. The same energies kept playing out.

All my jobs were ending the same way. Nothing seemed to be working. I started to feel jealous when things worked out for others. Why were things not working out for me?

I had a job. I had a home. I had food. In so many ways, I was lucky. I didn’t feel it though. I felt like nothing was right. I can remember thinking, “once I meet the right guy, then my life can begin.” What? I think back on that now and laugh. I was so far from living in the present moment. That is the reason I kept create the same thing. Nothing. I created nothing for years. I am laughing as I type that. If there was a person that did less than nothing with her life, it was me.

Don’t get me wrong. I was a nice person. I thought at the time I had things together. Even though I never enjoyed my corporate jobs, I still had one. My credit score rocked. I had friends, even though at the time I thought they were more than me. I had the occasional romantic fling. I do mean occasional. Mostly, because I didn’t really want more than that. I had this feeling that I wanted to be free. But at the same time, I wanted to be with a partner. I wanted the security but not the responsibility. Since that signal was so distorted all I got returned was the same distortion. Men that didn’t know what they wanted. The same energy came through different forms every time. It seemed that all of us were wishy washy and confused.

In those days, I felt like I was always on the losing end. Victim energy was my transmission. How come this was working for everyone else? Why couldn’t I find my knight in shining armor? Was I not worthy of love? At this point, it was apparent that my self-worth was at a stellar low level. I was still looking outside for that.

After a lot of nothing happening for a while, I got my wish.

My story did not start with the exciting meeting in a coffee shop. It didn’t start with a sad tale of heartbreak and loss. Honestly, I don’t know where my story started. If I had to pick a start to this tale, I would have to really think about it. I could use the normal answer and say I was born in a small town in Southern Virginia but that doesn’t even feel like the start of my story. Maybe there really isn’t one specific moment where everything began. It was a sequence of moments.

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There was no going back. I knew that. My family and friends didn’t understand that. But I knew that. I couldn’t reattach to the old realities anymore. They no longer existed. They were an old vibration that I couldn’t tap into. That was the part that confused the outside observer. I knew that the life I wanted didn’t exist in that vibration. My old realities were in a vibration where my dream realities did not exist. They could not exist together.

I couldn’t go back into the corporate world. That vibration was so far removed. If I tried to reenter it my body would revolt. The vibration of my body was no longer aligned with it. That was the part of the journey when I had to stop trying to navigate it. Ascension is not about control. It was about letting go of everything I ever knew and starting over. The rules were different here. It was like learning all over again. Nothing was the way I thought it was.

Respect, honor and integrity become my guidelines. If I was not receiving those things, then the reality was not aligned and I would end it. If I was not acting from that space, I would look at myself. Respect, honor, and integrity would be viewed from many lenses. It was soul driven not human driven. These words mean nothing to our human aspect.

Soul respect, honor and integrity was completely different. It was living my life and allowing others to do the same. No matter their choice. It was speaking with open and honest communication. It was honoring my soul contracts. It was not offering an opinion that was not solicited. It was not doing something out of obligation. It was not giving my power away. It was releasing judgement of myself and others. It was letting someone’s world collapse because it would be a pivotal part of their awakening process. It was showing up for others, strangers and friends. It was coming from that pure place inside with no agenda. It was being the light. It was opening the doors for others and allowing them the choice to walk through it. It was keeping my heart completely open.

That was what ascension meant to me. If I was going to guide people on their journey, I had to be all in on mine. Ascension it not something you talk about. It is something you experience. If I didn’t experience it, I couldn’t explain it to anyone. We explain through stories. I needed to open up to my story and embrace it as a page turner.

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What was my relationship with the word Ascension? It was a question I would ask myself as I walked down that road. Technically, we were all here to ascend our consciousness. That was the purpose of being here. We wanted to clear karma and expand our awareness. But for me it was bigger than that. The deeper I went inside it seemed that expanding my awareness was not enough. Or perhaps I should say that it was never enough.

The deeper inside I went, the more I strived for. By 2019, I didn’t just want to live on New Earth or in the 5^th dimension (words that were used to describe the ascension process.) I wanted to be in the 8^th dimension and 12^th dimension. I wanted to fully embody my higher aspects and transcend my human programing. I understood that not everyone had that roadmap. Many people still wanted to live out their human experience. There was a part of me that wanted the safe road too. But once I could see through the illusions of this physical reality, it was impossible. The safe road was an illusion. The human experience wasn’t safe.

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