I started wishing it could be different. I would get sucked into the twin matrix and spin around. Was he going to talk to me? Did he like me? Did he know I liked him? It was months of circling the wagon. It was one step forward two steps back. I was not the only one that had agreements to keep. He had them too. At the time, I thought he would open doors for me. I had the knowledge and he had the contacts. That was his end of the agreement. I had to focus on that many times during our interactions. It wasn’t about a romantic relationship. It was about exposing my work to a larger audience.
In all fairness, his human did not know this. We would have conversation about energy and dreams but he never seemed that interested. He would listen but to my knowledge he never implemented any of the concepts. It was his choice and I constantly had to remind myself of that. I was merely there to open the door. It would be his decision on when he would walk through it. And that was how the game was played.
I would go months without seeing him but our friendship never seemed phased by the absence. I viewed it as a clearing time for me. I would never see him when I was in a deep clearing phase. That was something I had to do on my own. He would surface prior to or right after those phases. I would later see that his energy field would activate them within me. Each time I would see him more of my own “stuff” had to clear for our realities to line up.
I would never say that he was disrespectful in the human sense of the word. Most people would say what a nice person he was. He was kind but he was wishy washy. I felt like he would never say what he wanted to say. Although he seemed to be interested in my work, he didn’t take it seriously. Sometimes I felt like it was merely entertaining to him. I would do everything I could to lay a foundation for him. But in the end, that was all I could do. I could not interfere.
I knew he would be ready when he was ready. He would honor our agreement when it was time. I had to love myself enough to stop wanting it so bad for him. In truth, I wanted it for me. I wanted to experience our amazing realities together. The ones I had seen in my dreams. They just weren’t taking shape. At least, not as quickly as I wanted them to. By Fall of 2019, he was in a different place for me or at least I wanted to tell myself that.
Yes, my heart would still skip a beat when I saw him. Yes, a part of me wanted to be more than friends. But it had not been aligned. That was the only way my human could deal with our relationship. It wasn’t aligned and that was the reason it was not progressing. I wanted it to be but it wasn’t. I had learned many times over that if something was not aligned to leave it alone. Don’t try to force it. It would never work out. The only option I had was to work on myself. I had to focus on my vibration. His reality and vibration were not my responsibility. He wasn’t asking me for assistant. He didn’t want it.
That was a hurtle for me time and time again. I knew people made time for the connections they wanted to nurture. He never made an attempt to do that with me. Not a serious one. He was not in that place. He was not ready for me. It didn’t matter if he was working 24 hours a day or on vacation. I had a feeling that he never chose me.
There was always something else he would focus on. Part of me knew it was because he didn’t really know what to do with me. Neither one of us would put ourselves out there and really say how we felt about each other. We would mirror each other. He would back off. I would back off. He would shut down. I would shut down. I knew that the connection was there for him but it was not on his mind like it was on mine.
I said before that twins bring up all of our obsession energy so we can clear it. I had many sleepless nights over him. But those time were starting to end. Sure, I would find myself wrapping back up into things for a few hours or a few days but I would be able to see it. He had been a huge contributor to that. He dug up so much lack energy. He triggered self-loathing and doubt that I didn’t even know was there. In a way, he had done his job or at least part of his job. The programming he helped me clear was immense. The expansion I achieved that year was off the charts.
I would be lying if I said there was satisfaction in that. At the time, I wanted it to workout in that “human” way. For 3 years, I new he was coming. Then he was there and we could not get out of the starting gate.