My Ascension Dairy - Part 24
My Baby Growing, Timelines Shifting, Having To Say Goodbye
In my heart, I knew the day would come, when they would move away. When soul contracts would be fulfilled and I would move on to the next part of my journey. A new chapter would begin with more free time to devote to my work. Although my client base had grown slowly, challenging every aspect of my belief, it had grown. Even though I could not fully see the next phase, I could feel it forming. I had a massive attachment to my baby and I knew the time would come when it would be severed.
Even though the attachment has to go, it doesn’t mean the thing has to. I had to love him from another place. The place that had no expectations of the next moment with him. That was where I had to be and every night before I would go to sleep the same words were repeated. Universe, “be kind to me with him. Just be kind to me.” Imagining a day when he would not be knocking on my door or looking in the magic tree outside activated so much sadness. I knew the day was coming. How do you let a child go? They are no different than adults. They have chosen their parents and their experiences. I had to honor that. I had to honor him. It seemed my entire journey was marked with letting things go. Unfortunately, the time would come when that meant him too.
I would always choose him because he always chooses me. He wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t an afterthought or an option. He enjoyed our experiences together. That was a bar I would hold for all relationships going forward. If I was not enjoying the experience, then there was no reason to participate in it. What is the saying, “out of the mouths of babes?” He had taught me so much in three years. Children are such amazing creatures. They shine light anywhere they go. he illuminated so much for me. He would always belong to me no matter where his little toes took him.
It started with a whisper. Then it was reality. They were moving to a house with a yard. Was this the end of my duty as mother? I didn’t know. On one hand, I knew another phase of my life was starting. On the other, I was going to miss reading him a story at night. He had been the most amazing reality I had ever created. The most exquisite experience. Everything else my human had created had been a mess. But not my son. He was the biggest gift I ever gave myself. No matter what happened next, the experience had been so beautiful. I expected to be sad when it was over. I wasn’t expecting the massive disconnection that the grief it would trigger.
The first few days were hard. I missed him so much. I thought I had experienced grief before but this was on a new level. I was so vulnerable and wide open. I found it hard to be in the house because all of his toys were still there. I would find myself crying near the flower section of Harris Teeter because we got our weekly flowers from there. I thought because I was conscious that I would breeze though the sadness. That was not the case. My connection with myself was so deep and so was the grief. I didn’t expect that. This was the first timeline I had grieved in years. I mean really grieved. I did not know I had this much inside to clear. That is the beauty of such a connection.
His family was starting a new timeline. Everything was changing. I knew that nothing would be the same. His mother and I would eventually grow apart. He would find new friends and eventually start school. Honestly, I didn’t know where my next phase would take me. That is probably why I grieved so hard. I didn’t have any expectations that they would remain in my life. It sounded harsh but in the process of letting go there really is no other way.
My neighbor saw me crying and said it was ok. I asked him why and he said something that would stay with me forever, “because it’s LOVE.” He was right. It was love. It was my love for a child. It was true love. The one thing I always wanted to experience in my life. I had found it thanks to that little boy. I never thought I would miss the days of play dough on the floor, paint on the table and macaroni and cheese on the coach. But I mourned it all.
I would still find myself looking over to his house expecting to see his little head popping out. I had not felt lonely in years. In those moments of intense grief, I did. I normally could find that connected and peaceful space inside but I was struggling. His absence left me feeling sad and lost. A space I had not occupied for many years. It was a space I knew was important. I felt awkward there. I had lost an identity again. My identity as his second mom. The days dragged and my life came to a halt. Nothing mattered to me in those moments.
I had experienced something I had not felt in a long time. A broken heart.