My Ascension Diary - Part 25

As I type these words, my heart is broken and my faith is shaken.

I had experienced something I had not felt in a long time. A broken heart. I guess it was not really broken. It was wide open though and the tears were flowing like a faucet. It was like I was an inch deep. Any mention of him would bring the water works. I felt almost inconsolable. I grieved in those moments because my role as a mother was complete. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I wanted him to know how much I would miss him. I wanted him to know that he had been the pleasure of my life. And deep down somewhere I knew that three-year-old boy knew that. No matter how sad I felt in those moments one thing would console me. The understanding on some level that there was no way around this.

I had to allow myself the space and time to truly grieve. I had to understand that part of my life was over and a new day was dawning. It didn’t matter that I could not see the sun. It didn’t matter that I had no idea what the next phase of my life would be. None of it mattered. All that mattered was that I be kind to myself in those moments. It is paradox that being kind to ourselves can be challenging sometimes.

I knew that my connection with myself would return. I had to get the tears out and then settle back inside again. I had to get through it. I also knew that one day I would understand why it had to be this way. I had to open myself up to new timelines and know that if he was meant to be in them then he would be. As I type these words, my heart is broken and my faith is shaken. This is the hardest chapter I had to write.

A majority of my personal journey was solo. Except for the 3 ½ years that I was adopted me. I didn’t realize how much connection he was for me. There are no words to describe him. I will stop trying to find them.

That type of pure love does funny things. It opened me up to that connection within myself. He left when he knew I could hold the connection without him being there. Everything that was not pure love had to clear out of my body. All that sadness and grief energy was not love. It was the distortion of love. It was the attachment and cords I had. I soon understood that grief was like happiness. It could not be attached to a thing. The “thing” triggered all that energy to come up and clear. None of that stuff could come with me on the next phase of my journey. It had kept my body in a lower vibration. It had to go and, on some level, we both knew that.

****2026 Annette **** I reread this for the first time today. And I started to cry all over again. I felt this part needed an update. After they moved, I sold my condo and rented a house. The timeline ended when they moved and it was to hard to be there without him. It was time for me to also start a new chapter. I would shift into a grandmother role now. The daily grind of motherhood was over for me. Funny how our Ascension Timelines condense our experiences.

No, we would not have the daily connection. They were 30 minutes away. But I saw him most days. He was adjusting too. He missed me living next door and wanted me to move there. But I knew that was not my path anymore. I would pick him up from preschool and we would play. That phase lasted till he started kindergarten.

That was when the shifts started coming. By 2022, I was struggle to stay in my rental. I wanted to stay near him but it was hard. I started seeing him less and less as his after school activities began. During the school year I might see him a few hours a week. Yes, we still had fun. Yes, he had toys at my house. Yes, I still enjoyed every moment with him. But the moments were changing. He was happy. He was stable.

Now, his parents were not conscious. That would become an issue as he grew. But back to the next part of our story. I had to move back home. I was no more money. The only reason I had hung on that long was for him and he was growing up. I could not pause time. I was tired of struggling, holding on. I made the decision to move back with my parents. They needed assistance and I needed a place to complete the next phase of my journey. Leaving that little boy was rough. I moved 3 hours away when he was 6 years old. He was a few months into first grade.

For the first 9 months, I visited every 3 weeks. I was scared he thought I did not love him. I would forget him. In truth, I was so afraid he would forget about me. Then I fixed a room for him and he would visit for days to a week at a time. It was fun times. He was old enough to play board games and talk to. Yes, I would doing so much driving but he was worth it. Every minute I drove.

Now for the next shift. This is current day. He is 9 years old. I know this is on my end more than his. He never worries about losing me. He knows I will always be there. I miss him. He wants to be home more. With his dog. With his family. With his friends. I see him less each year. But when I do we still have so much fun! We go to movies. We talk. My ego took a hit when I realized I was no longer his best friend. And yes, I keep his little ego in check. That is friction sometimes. But I still parent my way when he is with me. When he is with me, he has rules/discipline. When he is home, he doesn’t. I feel he would rather stay home sometimes and run wild. But he still wants to comes (just not as often) and he follows my rules.

He is growing up. I ask my universe again, “Be kind to me. Universe, please be kind to me.”