The summer of 2019, I went through (at that time) the my most challenging moments of my journey. Transcending my lack issues with money. I was “trying” to get revenue to flow and my savings was gone. Through the years, I had squander most of my savings. But I had a little left in the fall of 2018. But I was financially limping into 2019. I started that year in the most extreme fear. What was I going to do? When would my work support me? I didn’t have the answers and I was in living in constant fear. Truth be told I was in major lack programming also. I could say that I trusted. Trust is a double-sided coin. Can you really use the word without thinking about the part of us that doesn’t trust?
I thought I trusted. I didn’t. I started to do the most unconscious thing. I lived off my credit cards. There was a part of me that “hoped” I would bridge some type of gap. Then I would cut them up and live on cash. There was another part of me that knew it was going against everything my soul remembered. I was scared and I went down a rabbit hole. I wanted to believe that the new realities could come rushing in and I would just use the credit till then. It would take me most of the year to realize that things did not work that way.
Energetics would paint a different picture. I could not live in that much financial fear and still expect abundance to come rushing in. The vibration was so different. They could not exist together. It was impossible. But I held on so afraid to let go of the old. Many breaking points came that year. April 2019, I called my parents to confess the financial hole I had dug. The credits card company had cut my cards off. I was so upset. I felt my universe and kicked me to the curb. No money. No nothing. Well, that was how my human felt.
My universe pushed me to brink that year. The credit cards were gone. I lived on the little cash that was there. For a while, I lived on $30 a week. I had to fully trust that the money would be there when I really needed it. I had to not fear bills being paid late. The mortgage was months overdue and my credit score had tanked overnight. It was time to exit. All these old mindsets had so much control over me. I judged myself for not being prepared enough. I judge myself for the money not coming in. I kept feeling like there was more that I should be doing. I felt squeezed, drowning and free all at the same time.
After a while, those mindsets are exhausting. It is eye opening the things we place value on. The things we place our value on. I use to think that it mattered if my hair was colored and my toes were done. Now those things didn’t matter as much. I would look at them as ways to be kind to myself. They did not define my value.
That was my issue. I had to look at the reason why I wanted those things. What was the energy behind it? Did I want those things because they defined my worth? If that was the energy, then the money would not be there to fund it. My beliefs about why I wanted them was the key. I had to desire them from a purer place. If I wanted to give myself a treat for all the work I was doing, that was me appreciating me. That was self-love which was powerful energy. But until the cash came in. It was not aligned for me to do it.
My universe put me on a tight lease. It had too. I was not at the place to value money. I would use it to “catch up” on my credit card bills. I would use it to try to stay in that condo. I had been stripped down to nothing and this would happen over and over again but 2019 was the start. I would have a period of rest and then my universe would take me deeper to clear. I had so little money and the small amount I had would come from funny ways.
A babysitting job, an odd insurance rebate check or dog sitting would keep food on the table and the lights on. But by the end of 2019, I was so tired. I decided to sell my condo. Take the profit and rent something for a while. I paid all the rent upfront to avoid the fact I had so little income and a horrible credit score. I knew my universe had been pushing me out of this condo for a while. I had no idea what was coming. But I had a nest egg for the first 6 months of 2020. And my universe provided me a beautiful rental.
Yes, 2020 was going to be the year I pulled things back together. I would rest and figure this journey out. I had no idea what would happen after my 6 months rental was done. I had no idea where support was going to come from. Then a miracle happened in March of 2020. A miracle that would provide income literally to fall from the sky. The world plunged into a “pandemic” and I emerged from the ashes.
Thank you universe.