As those timelines played out, I felt like the odd man out. My other friends had husbands and careers while I stayed in this place of hero worship for them. If only I could get it together like that. If only I could have a partner like that. I spent so much energy wanted to be like others that I couldn’t even remember who I was. I was so deep in the matrix it was comical. Clueless as to why I kept creating the same things over and over again. The same energies kept playing out.
All my jobs were ending the same way. Nothing seemed to be working. I started to feel jealous when things worked out for others. Why were things not working out for me?
I had a job. I had a home. I had food. In so many ways, I was lucky. I didn’t feel it though. I felt like nothing was right. I can remember thinking, “once I meet the right guy, then my life can begin.” What? I think back on that now and laugh. I was so far from living in the present moment. That is the reason I kept create the same thing. Nothing. I created nothing for years. I am laughing as I type that. If there was a person that did less than nothing with her life, it was me.
Don’t get me wrong. I was a nice person. I thought at the time I had things together. Even though I never enjoyed my corporate jobs, I still had one. My credit score rocked. I had friends, even though at the time I thought they were more than me. I had the occasional romantic fling. I do mean occasional. Mostly, because I didn’t really want more than that. I had this feeling that I wanted to be free. But at the same time, I wanted to be with a partner. I wanted the security but not the responsibility. Since that signal was so distorted all I got returned was the same distortion. Men that didn’t know what they wanted. The same energy came through different forms every time. It seemed that all of us were wishy washy and confused.
In those days, I felt like I was always on the losing end. Victim energy was my transmission. How come this was working for everyone else? Why couldn’t I find my knight in shining armor? Was I not worthy of love? At this point, it was apparent that my self-worth was at a stellar low level. I was still looking outside for that.
After a lot of nothing happening for a while, I got my wish.